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How Fear Keeps Me From Living

Have you ever thought you were finally almost out of a difficult season in your life only to find–it’s not over yet?

Or, it ended briefly, only to return with more full vengeance?

Have you ever thought things were finally changing, or finally “good,” and then find they are even worse than before?

They said the mass is probably nothing. But I can’t know yet.

I have to wait. And my mind—it goes there every single day. I don’t mean for it to. It just…does.

What if I’m dying and I don’t know it? What if I don’t have much time left?

I am afraid to die. I am afraid of many things.

And it shifts. Sometimes it’s Lupus, AFib, now COVID. What if I get it & cant recover?

When I get in the car, I whisper a prayer over my daughter in her car seat. I strap her in tight. I kiss her face all over.

I ask the angels to watch over us.

And, I try to be so safe, you know? I try to be so careful. But I worry we’ll get in some horrible accident.

There are so many fears that haunt me. There are so many fears that shake my inner peace.

I don’t want to die—but look at me. Look at my fears:

I spend my days dying, more than living.

Fear has this way of choking out everything good in my life.

All the joy.

And this is one of those things—I don’t really want to talk about.

But I have to.

Because it’s real. It’s this reality that is living under the surface of my skin. All the time.

Last night, after my daughter finally settled down and went to sleep, I started worrying about the “mass” again. The one they said is probably benign. But they can’t be 100% sure.

And as I began to get lost in the fear—that I could be dying—the Holy Spirit whispered something to my heart, He said,

“Will you choose life or death?”

He was confronting me, so gently. “Will you spend your life living? Or dying? Because if you spend the days I’ve given you as a slave to fear and death–then you will spend your days dying and missing all the good I have for you. But if you just trust Me, you will live and spend your days alive in Me.”

If I keep living in fear, if I keep letting anxiety rule my life, if I keep letting fear dictate my steps, and my thoughts—I won’t be living anymore. I will be dying.

Jesus said, “The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy. But I have come that you may have life, and have it more abundantly.”

So today, I choose to have life.

And have it more abundantly.

And I will start thinking about how I will live.

In Him.

Because He is my life.

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